Morning Sickness

 Recently, I've been slapped in the face. Metaphorically, anyway.

All these years, I have not been taking care of myself the way that I should. My caretakers need also share the blame. Although, I would hope there would be more gentle ways to tell me. I suppose it's very likely there were signs I just missed. I doubt I was even looking.

This isn't something I can ignore anymore, or even numb. I have to face it, and that is a scary thing. I am afraid. I fear for my life; I fear for my body. But the hunger, I don't feel it. I don't want it. I don't want what comes with it. I want normalcy, what was normal to me before. I want to live the way I did, existing only when I desired. That is the scariest part of all, the way that I hate myself. Why is it that I can't do anything else but?

But I will eat, eat, eat, for my family, my friends...

and for me, I guess.