Wait

Five years ago, I tried to kill myself. Yesterday was the anniversary of my coming home from the hospital. I look back at that time and consider how different it was to where I am today; I am much happier and much more loved, I can feel that now; I didn't before. Today, I am surrounded and cared for by the people I, before, thought wanted nothing to do with me. I read my own writings of past about loneliness and heartbreak and frankly, I don't understand them anymore.

Time heals, but time is messy. It will take you on rides and journeys you could never imagine. In time, you'll cry, laugh, scream, and shout; you'll experience every emotion in the book, but you will heal. it just takes time. Just you wait.

Morning Sickness

 Recently, I've been slapped in the face. Metaphorically, anyway.

All these years, I have not been taking care of myself the way that I should. My caretakers need also share the blame. Although, I would hope there would be more gentle ways to tell me. I suppose it's very likely there were signs I just missed. I doubt I was even looking.

This isn't something I can ignore anymore, or even numb. I have to face it, and that is a scary thing. I am afraid. I fear for my life; I fear for my body. But the hunger, I don't feel it. I don't want it. I don't want what comes with it. I want normalcy, what was normal to me before. I want to live the way I did, existing only when I desired. That is the scariest part of all, the way that I hate myself. Why is it that I can't do anything else but?

But I will eat, eat, eat, for my family, my friends...

and for me, I guess.